A self-made prison

Being in one place but missing the other place, daydreaming about another place, setting goals about a different place, spending life, thinking and wishing and praying about something different than the one I already have. Creating this special place in my brain, filling it with images, feelings and emotions, excuses that justify my way of thinking.

Yes I am right, I am always right. This doesn’t work for me now, it doesn’t work anymore. I need to change it, I need to become something different. I suffocate myself with thoughts about how things could have been. But life can be hard. Life is hard and unfair.

Minutes, hours, days go by and I am dragging myself to the routine that I have created. What’s the purpose? When will it all be over? I want to start living again. What is holding me back? Money? Status? Society? Stigma? Blame? My family? When will I escape from this self-made prison? But wait! My life is not a prison. I have everything I always wanted. All my conscious and subconscious wishes came true, became my reality. I caused my life to happen. Why can’t I appreciate it? Why do I want something different? If I have it, will I appreciate it? Or will I want to be/have/do something/somewhere else again?

There is a self-made prison that exists and lives in my head. I have strong feelings for it. I stay there many hours a day, feeling drained, unhappy, sad, forced. Sometimes it allows me to dream and get the instant satisfaction. Sometimes it keeps me stuck.  Don’t tell anyone but I have plans to escape. I don’t want to live in a prison that I have created myself. The plan goes like this:

1. See what is important for me, prioritise it. If it doesn’t make me happy, I can change it. If I can’t change it, I can change my attitude. The people involved can choose to be supportive, if they are not, why the hell are they still in my life?
2. See who is important in my life. Say the ultimate goodbye to toxic people, jealous people, snakes that talk behind my back (they are always five steps behind me)
3. Practice gratitude. Yes I know, everyone is grateful. In theory. How do I express that? Do I say it to my loved ones? Do I write it down? Do I feel it running through my veins, how lucky I am that I breathe life and I have the ability to enjoy little things 24/7? Yes I can afford them. I can cut off from temporary antisocial pleasures and make time for friends, nature, and family. I will disconnect from the network and connect with real people. Flesh and bones.
4. Reflect on what I feel. I will stop pushing my feelings back. They become stronger when I ignore them and will remain there forever. I can start writing them down. Why am I feeling whatever I am feeling? I will name it. How am I going to act? How am I responding to my feelings? I will pay attention to what they want to tell me. There is a message hidden there.
5. Be positive. This implies action. (I’m burdening myself with another responsibility here. Sorry to myself). Positivity requires involvement. I can get out there and practice my thoughts. I can not just sit and be delusional about life. Things happen to all of us, how can I contribute in a positive way? I choose to take action.
6. Life is changing, so am I. The more I resist it, the more unhappiness I’m causing to myself. I choose to be the change, embrace it and adapt to it. I can play in equal terms in this game of life. I can have life as an ally instead of an enemy. Everything expires after some time, I can change my thinking, my actions, and my reality and move forward.
7. Choose to be in charge of my life. “When life gives you lemons, make a lemonade”. How I love this quote. It motivates me to be the creator and choose how I want to respond instead of reacting. Stepping back, observing, reflecting, responding and creating a new outcome.