Being in one place but missing the other place, daydreaming about another place, setting goals about a different place, spending life, thinking and wishing and praying about something different than the one I already have. Creating this special place in my brain, filling it with images, feelings and emotions, excuses that justify my way of thinking.
Yes I am right, I am always right. This doesn’t work for me now, it doesn’t work anymore. I need to change it, I need to become something different. I suffocate myself with thoughts about how things could have been. But life can be hard. Life is hard and unfair.
Minutes, hours, days go by and I am dragging myself to the routine that I have created. What’s the purpose? When will it all be over? I want to start living again. What is holding me back? Money? Status? Society? Stigma? Blame? My family? When will I escape from this self-made prison? But wait! My life is not a prison. I have everything I always wanted. All my conscious and subconscious wishes came true, became my reality. I caused my life to happen. Why can’t I appreciate it? Why do I want something different? If I have it, will I appreciate it? Or will I want to be/have/do something/somewhere else again?
There is a self-made prison that exists and lives in my head. I have strong feelings for it. I stay there many hours a day, feeling drained, unhappy, sad, forced. Sometimes it allows me to dream and get the instant satisfaction. Sometimes it keeps me stuck. Don’t tell anyone but I have plans to escape. I don’t want to live in a prison that I have created myself. The plan goes like this:
I see myself as the canvas where I put creativity, thoughts, ideas, inspiration and create a new reality. Eventually I become the architect of my life.